Acceptance

Why is it really hard to accept the truth?

That is probably one of the questions that keeps on running in my head.

There are times when I notice that He doesn't love me, or He loves them more compared to me.
Well I can't blame him, because He had been with them for a long time. If only 엄마
and I didn't left this place before, we might still be complete right now, I shouldn't be living with them, I shouldn't be seeing how happy He was,is and will be with "them". Sometimes I feel like I am an outsider here in their home, but I just tell myself "It's okay, just imagine that this isn't happening."

I can't erase the fact that I get jealous on them. Every time I see them happy, I ask myself:

-bakit kasi hindi ako makulit nung bata pa ako di tulad niya na sobrang kulit ngayon kaya close na sila kahit na bata pa lang siya?
-bakit kasi hindi ako magaling mag badminton di tulad niya?
-bakit kasi hirap na hirap akong kumain ng gulay di tulad niya?
-bakit kasi hindi ako marunong mag drive ng kotse di tulad niya?
-bakit kasi tamad akong mag exercise di tulad niya?
-bakit kasi hindi ako kasing talino niya?

After asking myself those silly questions, I came to a realization that "it's my fault."

If only I did the things that will make him proud and impress, I should've feel the love I'm longing for.

Why can't he see that I am also doing my best to impress him? I entered the school's badminton varsity (even if I was not really good at playing this sport, I tried my best to enter the try-out), I became the Top 1 in our class, because I want him to be proud of me, I want him to notice me, I want him to know that I exist.

Hurtful words. That's more than I can remember of you telling me. In my 16 years of existence, I can't remember that you told me that you love me.

But I still have a few memories, that we both made, to treasure forever. I wish to create more beautiful memories with you so that I can recall many beautiful moments with you in the future.

Yes I'm hurt, but my love for you is dominant that I can't let myself conceive a hatred to you.

The truth that I am believing is that you don't love me, but I won't accept it. I will strive harder for you to love me the way you love them.

I love you.